"I'm just going to write because I can't help it."- Charlotte Brontë

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Zombie Brainwashing

Warm Bodies is an insidious movie. Do not see it. Do not let your loved ones see it either, but by all means recommend it to your worst enemies. Gentle, amusing, and all warm and fuzzy about the walking dead, this feel good movie full of misinformation, probably propagated by some secret organisation of card-carrying zombie lovers for their own dark reasons, might well bring about the extinction of our species.

Imagine it. The Zombie Apocalypse has arrived. Civilization has collapsed, but you, of course, being a sterling member of the human race, have survived. Cat-like, you're slinking through the debris-strewn streets, all lethal and commando-style in your camo gear. You're good to go with long, pointy knives adorning all parts of your person and the trusty, fully automatic, military assault weapon of your choice at the ready, when you spot a lumbering shape. You peer through the telescopic targeting thingie, your trigger finger a' twitching. You are so ready to blow the decaying head off the decrepit abomination before you.

But inexplicably, you pause. Stirrings of an old movie get in the way of your animal instincts. Scenes from Romeo and Juliet flit through your mind. You take a moment to think. You think things like Maybe there's a really nice person trapped inside that festering corpse fighting to get out and party or perhaps I wonder if this decomposing cadaver has a vinyl version of that Blue Öyster Cult album I've been trying to find for so long. What with the apocalypse having drastically reduced the pool of suitable dating partners, you might even perversely entertain musings such as Apart from all the rips, rot and pus, he/she actually looks quite hot in that murky light. Most dangerously of all, with memories of Warm Bodies flooding your synapses, you might indulge in the lost cause romanticism of Maybe my one, true, long lost love lies embedded beneath all that flaking flesh.

And that's it. The End. You're a goner. With your survival instincts slowed by this entertaining but highly dangerous movie that promulgates the notion that deep down, zombies are people just like us, you'll be pounced upon and felled as you dreamily plan the wedding, and disembowelled and devoured by rancid hordes before you get to your imaginary honeymoon.

So I cannot stress this enough - do not see this amusing piece of zombie propaganda. Your survival, our survival, depends upon it.

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