Weaponised For Wellness

Bearings and bits imbued with Higgs Bosons borne away from the CERN accelerator in the dark of night (nicked? Sounds like stealing to me) by maintenance staff whose creative wives then turn the scrap metal into jewellery that cures almost every ailment known to humankind and sell the miracle pendants for the reasonable sum of $199... well, reading is believing. Tipped off by last week's New Scientist, I did so here.

It's that God Particle again.

Apparently, after one round of CERN collisions:

...an interesting occurrence had been noticed by some of the staff involved in the project. As the days passed their general mood was improving, accompanied by a significant sense of clarity, balance, relaxation and unusual vitality.

This phenomenon, realized and verified by those lucky workers led the researchers to an unequivocal conclusion: prolonged physical contact with the internal metal parts of the accelerator, is the cause of that phenomenon. Those employees, mostly technicians and engineers whose task required them to stay and work inside the accelerator were the ones diagnosed as being affected by the amazing phenomenon.

Being scientists, they naturally looked into the miracle. It all turned out to be very scientific:

Samples from the parts exposed to the surge of energy which showed substantial evidence of having the God Particle were sent to the leading universities and research centers in the world.
According to preliminary evidence found thus far by researches in the medical field, the energy of the God Particle has some amazing effects on migraine prevention, on treating different kinds of skin conditions, up to a surprising improvement among those who ailing from sexual dysfunction disorders. All those among a long list of other medical conditions.

The effects of the God Particle is also tested in the field of mental health and in this field the patients are also getting some surprising improvements in a wide range of medical cases, for example treating phobias and depressions of different kinds.

One of the theories being researched by the scientists is that the God Particle doesn't really cure the listed conditions but provides the human body with the energy needed to normalize and cure itself

Didn't you just know from the get go that those reliable old money-spinners 'sexual dysfunction disorders' were going to turn up amongst the things Higgs Bosons cure? And I like the 'long list of medical conditions' that can obviously be filled in as you go.

I think this is my new most favourite wellness product, replacing my hitherto most favourite, Shungite:

Shungite is a revolutionary shield for harmful electromagnetic radiation from computers, microwave ovens, TV sets, mobile phones and other «achievements» of the modern civilization.

Shungite is a mineral, which has no analogues of range and diversity of its healing properties. Generally Shungite heals, saves, cleans, improves, protects, neutralizes and regenerates. Numerous worldwide studies of the unique properties of Shungite prove it to be the  medicine of the 21st century.


They were selling little tabs of Shungite at an local exhibition recently for people to stick on their mobile phones so it could create a personal force field to protect them from, as far as I could discern, the stuff that made their mobile phones work.

But if you're that worried, wouldn't it be easier be to ditch the tech, if only for peace of mind?

Still, if the Shungite fails and things go pear-shaped health-wise, a few ball bearings from CERN should fix everything.

As long as they're not radioactive...